For the longest time, the thought of dating an alpha male—a guy who’s charismatic, confident, and self-assured—was alluring. It wasn’t until I swore off these guys for good that I realized how messed up those relationships were.
It is all about serving their ego. The alpha males I’ve dated generally had huge egos which needed stroking all the time. As confident as they appeared in public, they required me to continually assure them of how great and accomplished they were in private. This was exhausting. I always had to be careful not to say things that might bruise their egos or cause them to question their decisions. Initially, I thought I was being supportive, but I now realize I was their personal cheerleader whether they were right or wrong. How sad.
They don’t respect your opinion. They’d ask my opinion but what they were really searching for was for me to affirm what they felt about certain situations and certain people. I used to try and share my thoughts and feelings about certain subjects but they were completely disregarded if they weren’t in sync with what my alpha boyfriend thought.
They think they always know best. When it came to problems that I was going through, alpha guys would listen and then say, “In my experience, I feel you should do this.” When I would try and assert my opinions, they’d say that I couldn’t think clearly because I was emotionally attached to the situation. They would insist that I should trust their judgment because it was more objective. Instead of being supportive and lending a listening ear, they would try and impose their views and get me to do what they thought was best.
They’re all about their image. When you look at alpha guys in public, they’re usually the life of the party. People gravitate toward them because of their charm and confidence. When I was out with them, they’d hint that I should dress a certain way, not be too loud, and they’d even lead me to affirm their opinions in conversations so that they would look good.
They don’t know how to communicate their emotions. I’ve found that many alpha guys don’t know how to express their feelings. If something terrible happened at work or with their friends, they were never able to articulate why they were feeling sad. They would be in a foul mood and expect me to read their minds so that I magically knew what they needed from me. If I didn’t guess how I was supposed to be there for them, they would be passive aggressive and allude to the fact that maybe I wasn’t an attentive girlfriend. If I was, then I would know how to get them out of their foul mood without having to be told.
Their lives are always more important. I generally got the feeling that my alpha boyfriends felt that their lives were more superior than mine. Their dreams and accomplishments were more substantial, their goals more important. I was there to support them in every way possible to help them achieve the life they envisioned, all the while keeping my dreams and plans as quiet as possible because they weren’t relevant.
They always shift the blame. When we were having problems in our relationship, alpha guys would always find a way to make the issues we had my fault. Even if they did something wrong, they would say that it was provoked by something that I did or said, hence it was my fault. This chipped at my self-esteem and made me feel like I had to walk on eggshells around them to avoid creating more problems.
I felt like the trophy girlfriend. When we were out in public, I was meant to be seen and not heard. I wasn’t supposed to challenge their opinions or do anything that would embarrass them or dull their shine. People would always comment on what a great couple we were but I couldn’t help but feel like it was all about them. I was just a trophy girlfriend that didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.
They’re not empathetic. When I was going through tough times, I felt like I had to justify my problems because to these guys didn’t understand why I should feel down about anything. I was supposed to get over it and move on. Instead of trying to make me feel better about what I was going through, they would try and fix the situation instead of letting me lean on them emotionally and work through the issues in my own time. I couldn’t bear it anymore.
Hannah is a twenty-something-year-old freelance writer, obsessed with reality TV, and all things sweet.